10 - The Need for Touch
Episode highlights:
Touch is one of our essential needs.
It is important to be able to ask questions.
The Needs of the Heart by Chip Dodd
“The need for touch is one of the deepest forms of fulfillment that we have, and it can be one of the most abused needs that we possess.” (Page 27)
“The child will literally not develop physically according to developmental norms without being touched well.” (Page 27)
“Emotional growth and trust are connected to touch if we’re touched well.” (Page 27)
“Your need for belonging and mattering [is] fed through brief moments of appropriate, caring touch.” (Page 28)
Touch is so vital that we cannot truly grow without it. When human beings are only cared for custodially, they can develop a condition called failure-to-thrive.
Babies and small children need to be “touched” appropriately and lovingly through:
cuddling
being held
carried in arms, on shoulders, or in a sling
being rocked
sitting in caregiver’s lap
hugging
snuggling
holding hands
brushing their hair
patting them on the back
a genuine smile
a bedtime story
a lullaby
Our needs never stop from birth to death.
Our toxic shame tells us that we “should” not have needs anymore.
Examples:
“You’re 12 years old! Quit being such an attention seeker.”
“That’s not scary. Put on your big girl pants and go back to bed.”
“What are you crying about? Dry those tears up and quit acting like a baby.”
“There’s no need to feel scared or nervous. You’ll do great. It’s just an interview.”
Healthy touch creates a response called attunement. In attunement:
You become regulated within.
You’re in tune or in rhythm with others and the world.
You experience a symphonic connection with the outside world.
You know you’re not alone.
When you attune, you connect to others in a peaceful synchronized way, like night bugs singing a symphony.
Out of that connection, you are fueled to go attend to life’s tragedies.
This connection is called autonomy; it sets you free to make decisions, go take risks and possibly fail, because you have a safe place to go back to in order to be refueled. This place is called “home.”
*We learn how to live through mistakes more than we learn how to live from victories.
A good “home” is a safe place where you can relax and be your true self without
judgment, shame, and fear. It is a place where you can tell the truth about
yourself, and it will be okay. You can share your joys there and find someone
who will celebrate with you. A good “home” is where you find relationship
with God; it is where you find safe people who can meet your needs.
Your experiences don’t become trauma if you have a good “home,” to return to
where you can share your struggles, mistakes, tragedies, failures, brokenness,
secrets, bad decisions, and questions. You find rest, support, and
a person or people who are caring, interested, and loving.
From autonomy, you develop trust- the ability to have a need and go get the need met in ways that attune, connect, and set you free again.
Touch is:
attune
connect
autonomy
We come out of the womb looking for who is looking for us.
Good touch leaves room for me to ask questions and have needs. The questions are confirmation-based, not fear-based. Examples of confirmation-based questions:
“Do you really mean it?”
“Will you give me another hug tomorrow?”
“Will you always be my friend?”
“Dude, I love a good chest bump! Let’s do it at the end of every game.”
“Mommy, will you tuck me in tomorrow night, too?”
“Honey, when you look at me like that, my heart melts. Will you look at me like that forever?”
“When you walk past me and pat me on the shoulder, it really encourages me.”
When you give up your feelings, you give up self-awareness. This means that someone can touch you in a way that is inappropriate, and if you don’t have your feelings and the voice that goes with your feelings (the voice of the heart) then you’re not going to be able to take care of yourself in this inappropriate circumstance. Tragically, the need for safe, healthy touch that does not have a voice of self-awareness can set you up to be harmed.
When you lose contact with your feelings, you are no longer able to trust your intuition and you can’t know to trust your suspicion, and therefore, you end up not asking questions about what is happening. You lose your ability to set a boundary.
Touch crosses a space between you and me. People can reach across this space with their eyes. They can reach across with their voices. If the “reaching” is not wanted or not needed, you have to be sensitive enough to be able to say:
“What are you doing?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I’m scared of that”
“I don’t like that. Please stop.”
“That hurts. I need you to quit.”
“What are you suggesting?”
“How come you’re doing this?”
In a healthy relationship that has healthy touch in it, there is room to ask questions that need to be asked.
We will never forget our lives, but we have to deal with them.
Trying to forget the tragic parts of our lives won’t heal us. You have to feel it, to heal it.
If we don’t feel it and heal it, we end up as sick as the memories we run away from.
We are made to be touched.
Good touch blesses.
Touch gets abused.
Bad touch we need healing from.
Regaining strength and autonomy:
Getting your voice back.
Being able to ask questions related to your self -awareness.
Returning to sensitivity to yourself and your story of your life.
Being able to tell the story of your life.
Let yourself be touched by telling your story.
There is power in healthy touch.
The Needs of the Heart by Chip Dodd
The Needs of the Heart Companion Study by Chip Dodd
Healthy touch:
Offers us security.
Tells us that we matter.
Meets the need to belong.
speaks to the desires of the heart.
Lets us know that we are cared about.
Expresses caring.
Dr. Chip Dodd
Voice of the Heart Center
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