25 - The Ladder
Episode Highlights:
“The Process”
Feel your feelings, tell the truth about your feelings, and trust God with the process, because He owns the process.
Free Downloadable Resource - The Ladder (https://www.chipdodd.com/free-resources-download)
The Ladder is a disrupter of The Process. If you get trapped on The Ladder, you will miss The Process and you will miss the actual “arrival” that you’re created to have because you never acquired the skills of living fully.
We are created for connection; created to find fulfillment through relationship with ourselves, others and God.
Parents often want to prevent their children from having to experience the pains of the world, so they teach them to act in an “acceptable” way; they teach them to perform. The result is, children wind up giving up their presence (God given uniqueness) and putting performance in the place of how God made them.
We come out of the womb with healthy shame. Examples: I am going to make mistakes. I’m dependent. I can’t help but be fully present. I can’t help but be in need. I’m a feeling creature. If something is sad or I lose something, I’m going to cry. If I walk into the dark, I need someone to hold my hand, etc.
Webinar on Shame > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0Pjb6EsAGI
We are created to find fulfillment through relationships. When this need isn’t met through relationship, we will give up our God-given identity and start looking to others to fulfill what they want from us, and claim a false identity, in order to find fulfillment through belonging and mattering.
“Adorning the Dark” by Andrew Peterson
“Through the praise of children and infants you have established a stronghold against your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger.” Psalm 8:2 (NIV)
“And he said: ‘Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.’” Matthew 18:3 (NIV)
Once healthy shame is rejected, once it becomes not okay to make mistakes, once it becomes not okay to be in need, once one becomes distrusting of questions, an unwillingness to risk having answers/ideas, and once we start to have to be more than human, we lose connection with healthy shame.
Healthy shame is a dependency feeling that allows us to have the humility to be people who can be of equal worth to other people. We have the same needs. We have the same heartaches. We have the same struggles. We have the same feelings.
“It’s a Small World” is considered a children’s song, but it is so deep and rich. The lyrics are pure and true for everyone, young and old. https://youtu.be/2rTZ9UndNeI?si=5OhagIXRyS3socj5
When we have to give up, silence or hide our God-given feelings, needs, desire, longings, and hope, we lose true connection.
Our hearts express that we are made like other people; therefore, we have the ability for attachment.
Passion is the willingness to be in pain for something that matters more than pain.
Children come into the world with integrity that is fully intact. They are willing to be in pain. They hunger for intimacy. They cry when they are sad. They trust that you are who you “say” you are and you want their best.
So, when the way a child is created disagrees with the way they are parented or treated, they will speak up (crying, defying, protesting) until they finally have to give up how God made them in order to belong and matter. This is where “The Ladder” actually starts.
The Ladder moves us away from how we are born to answer two essential questions, “Where am I?” and “What am I doing?”
Good parents are always in pursuit of “Where are you?” “Are you ok?” “What are you feeling?” “What are you needing?” “How are you doing (internally)?”
Since babies and infants can’t talk and express themselves verbally, parents need to see the facial and body expressions of their children in order to know what is going on internally in their child. (Example: They can’t tell you where they are hurting, but you can see their tears and trembling hands.)
Babies speak a spiritual and emotional language. They are continuously communicating spiritually and emotionally saying, “This is where I am.” (Babies and infants communicate in many ways. They coo, they cry, they hold their breath, they burp, they engage, they reach out, they laugh, they grunt, etc.)
As babies grow, they begin to trust moving from “This is where I am with feeling, needing and desiring” to “This is what I’m doing with where I am.” This growth, or “response-ability” leads them to becoming a responsible person.
A parent’s job is to raise a child to belong and matter simply by being the way God made them to be. Then the child can take ownership of what they’re doing with how they are created. (Example: I have sadness but that does not make it ok for me to hit you just because I’m sad.)
These two questions are essential for growing into “response-able” people:
“Where am I?’
“What am I doing with where I am?”
A child that is being raised with heart, can answer these two questions.
When we lose the ability to answer those two questions, we can’t really answer where we are and be confident about it. Also, we no longer know how to take real ownership of what our intentions are (what I’m doing and what I’m planning to do,) and we lose connection with truthfulness. Then, instead of belonging and mattering by being ourselves, we change the question from “What am I doing?” into “How am I doing?” Instead of “Where am I?” which needs an internal answer. We slowly lose our internal sense of worth and find our worth externally.
When this happens, we are only as good as our last achievement; we’re only as good as the last time we were applauded; we are only successful and belong and matter as much as the last time we saw you smile.
Therefore, we move from inborn self-worth, which is inherent, to needing others to build our self-esteem, which is exterior.
“You have made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor.”
Psalm 8:5 (NIV)
When a child’s voice becomes diminished, he or she loses connection with their self-worth.
When we lose connection with our personal presence (our God given uniqueness), we look to others because we still need to belong and matter. We still need to connect. But now, instead of being a feeling creature, we’ve become a figuring creature. We begin to look at others and try to “read” their faces in order to protect ourselves from their rejection, instead of just being ourselves.
Because we fear the rejection of people who matter to us, we begin to change our behavior in order to belong and matter. We also try to control or change the way they are behaving to make everything more manageable. We begin to let others evaluate us to determine our value, rather than embracing our God-given value that we are born with. Then, the question changes from the two internal questions to an externally answered question, “How am I doing?”
“How am I doing?” is a question that requires a comparison. We compare ourselves to people around us in order to determine our value. We ask ourselves these questions: “Am I doing enough so they will smile?” “Will they applaud me?” “Will they reward me?” “What else do I need to do to move up the ladder?” “Will they notice me?”
So, we lose or give up our personal presence, which is our own recognition of our self-worth, which leads to needing others to build our self-esteem. Anything that can be built, can be torn down. When we rely on others to build our self-esteem, it sets us on a roller coaster of achievement, a sense of “up-and-down” worth that is based on our achievements or lack of achievements.
…Now we’re at the ladder. The ladder is the thing you climb to prove you’re worth something. The ladder is the thing you climb to show others that you are “somebody.”
Then, you end up trying to find your worth on the outside and absorb it, so you can say, “Now, I’m officially someone.” “Now I officially belong and matter.”
Once we start climbing the ladder:
We begin to avoid our own presence (We avoid having to admit that we have feelings.)
We begin avoiding the truth about ourselves (We run away from being needy.)
Avoid and despise the experience of being dependent (We refuse our need of others.)
The ladder is the pursuit of:
Independence from needing others (Free from dependence.)
Power (If I can get enough power, then I won’t have to be in need anymore.)
Being realistic (“It is what it is.” “It’s just business.”)
You climb the ladder in order to achieve.
“How am I doing?” has to do with what rung of the ladder you’re on and how far up the ladder you’ve gotten.
The person below you on the ladder is merely an object of competition, and the person above you is merely an object of competition. You’re aways comparing yourself to everyone else all the time and ranking yourself as better, or worse, or not good enough.
Comparison is the thief of joy and the thief of genuine connection.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” Theodore Roosevelt
Comparison always leads us to examining ourselves and comparing ourselves to those above/below us or to those people who are against us. The result is that we can’t really be with these people because there is so much dissecting, scrutinizing, judging, and inspecting going on. This leads me to depend on myself--be independent.
Then James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came to him. “Teacher,” they said, “we want you to do for us whatever we ask.” “What do you want me to do for you?” he asked. They replied, “Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in your glory.” Mark 10:35-37 (NIV)
The great delusion is that when I do finally become independent, I’ve “achieved” enough to say, “I’ve got mine.” When I do have power, and I have done it by being realistic (“I’ve got mine, now you get yours,”) then I get up the ladder and into the clouds. Instead of finally arriving at the top, I get past the clouds only to see there is more ladder to climb. I realize that it’s just a ladder of achievement. I realize that I have been “tricked” by my life’s teachings.
I climbed the ladder of achievement and realized there was always going to be “more ladder.” I got tricked.
The best thing that could happen now is for me to experience the one thing that I will do just about anything to keep from happening…fall off the ladder.
For the climber, falling off the ladder is horrifying. It equals “certain death,” which means losing rank. It means losing belonging and mattering. It means not counting anymore, as well as having no value. I become “worth-less” (worthless.)
“How am I doing?” is not a bad question. It is a great question if I really want to know how you see me doing, and I’m open to hearing your feedback, versus asking others to rank me and tell me that I’m the best or what I need to do to become the best.
Pursuit of the “-est” (the “bestest”, the “mostest”, the “greatest”) is insanity. It is ultimately a hatred of others and a hatred of how I am made.
We are indeed created to climb; however, just not ladders. We are created to climb the “mountain of our own dreams.”
What does falling off the ladder look like?
The ladder climber will:
Lose connection with themselves.
Lose connection with others.
Wind up attempting to become gods.
Become a people pleaser, achievement-oriented, a caretaker, and an approval-seeker.
Lose their own identities.
Become secret-keepers.
Figure out how to get their needs met without being in relationship with others.
Lose connection with God.
Give up being a feeling creature.
Either become sick because they don’t know how to feel anymore, or people become sick of them.
Falling off the ladder often involves addiction, illness, rejection, waking up to not liking your life, or some other form of hitting bottom.
What do you do at the bottom of the ladder?
Feel your feelings (a wake up)
Tell the truth (a reach out)
Give it to the process (a risk of asking for help and accepting it)
Learn to ask yourself, “Where am I?” and “What am I doing?” VERSUS “How am I doing?” This will help you move from competition to cooperation.
When we return to how God made us and face that we’re created to live dependent, we become truthful with how we’re made and it returns us to being fully present, and known from the inside out.
We begin answering these two questions:
“Where am I?” (We admit feeling, needing, desiring, longing, hoping. This is where I am. This is what I dream.)
“What am I doing with where I am?”
Answering these two questions requires that others be in our lives. We admit what’s going on inside of us, and hope in a power greater than ourselves that can restore us to the wholeness that we’re made to live in.
People who are living on the ladder are living in anxiety. They are living in the anticipation of the negative while attempting to achieve the positive. (“I’ve got to get up and go for it.” “I’ve got to be strong.” “I’ve got to be somebody.” “I’ve got to work harder”…)
When you live knowing how you’re made with others and God, your anxiety goes down, and your potential for embarrassment goes up. This is true because you’re seen and known, you’re receiving feedback, you’re willing to go take risks, you’re willing to ask questions, you’re willing to make mistakes, you’re willing to go fail. You’re also willing to succeed, you’re willing to be celebrated and grieved over. You’re alive to feel again.
Ironically, when you become willing to pursue the dreams that you were created to have, and you’re willing to take risks with them, you automatically, through that dependency upon how you’re made, become independent.
Dependency allows you to live fully in the world, but no longer of it. I don’t have to get in line. I’m climbing the mountain of my own dreams, pursuing how I’m created to live in fulness with how God made me.
Dependency leads us to being independent from the world, but dependent upon how we’re made, Who made us, and who we’re made to do it with.
Truthfulness is like I am made to live a certain way, and I understand the context I live it in. I live in reality where it’s tragic, but that’s not going to stop me from going towards my dreams anyway. So, the truth trumps reality, although reality is not denied.
Power isn’t the purpose anymore. I’m not trying to get away from life, I’m moving fully in it, but I’m empowered now to do it by being fully present.
Example: Battle of Thermopylae
Be liberated to become who God made me to be and go do what God called me to do in spite of what the results may be.
There is so much pronounced rejection, and parents try to protect their children.
Vulnerability is equated with being harmed, but vulnerability needs to be kept, and we learn how to live it in an empowered way, where we selectively decide how vulnerable we’ll be according to who we’re with.
There are so many people against how God made us, that we get on the ladder reactively and once we give up having feelings, the ladder awaits us and the mountain of our dreams is abandoned.
As long as there is breath, there is always time for change.
When I hit bottom or a place I don’t like, it’s not an ending. In the hands of God and others who are in recovery, it is my beginning.
Dr. Chip Dodd
Voice of the Heart Center
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