Season 4 Episode 32 - Introduction to Codependency
Episode Highlights:
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“Codependency is the loss of self, self-trust, care, love, assertiveness, given over to meet the needs of significant others, usually very important caregivers.” -The Champion’s Path Manual
Codependency is the “need” to sacrifice which leads to the loss of self. I have a “need” to sacrifice what I brought into life so that I'll be accepted and connected to the people I'm made to be with, who are made to love me. So, it's the loss of self-trust, which means losing the ability to really struggle with what's happening inside of me.
Codependency is the loss of self-assertion which is the capacity to stick with what I'm struggling with in spite of what I'm told. Example: We only like you when you perform a certain way.
Codependency recovery is also the capacity to protest. Children have expertise in protesting. When life doesn't work the way they want it to, they protest. Like they have a picture of what it's supposed to be like, they protest. They protest with grief, or they protest with anger. They “pitch a fit.” And, if their protest is shut down, and they are “told” that they’re not going to be loved or can't be affirmed, if you're stuck in that, then somehow, we decide that something's wrong with that.
Codependency is:
a distrust of feelings.
the loss of connection to needs.
the loss of a sense of self-worth.
Sadly, self-esteem takes the place of inborn self-worth.
We're born to find fulfillment through connection with ourselves, others, and God. When the true self has to be sacrificed or rejected in order to receive care, then you have to give up the true self, creating what's called a false self.
Codependency is ultimately the creation of a false self that is triggered by the anxiety of not receiving the love that you were created to have.
We end up only trusting our performance instead of trusting that others love us for who we are and how we are made.
The problem with codependency is it's the never ending need to find confidence in being loved.
Sadly, no matter how much we do, we never do trust the love we’re seeking.
Codependency is an anxiety disorder. It ends up being a control addiction.
Codependency is also the trigger point of all addiction. We finally give up on trusting that relationship is our answer, and find some counterfeit form of fulfillment.
Codependency is:
the catalyst for burnout.
the origin of depression (It forces us to depress the voice we were born with.)
the façade that we use to cover toxic shame.
a control disorder. (It has its roots in anxiety.)
a disorder of relationship (Impaired relationship that occurs through anxiousness.)
Codependency is caused by trauma. This trauma freezes your ability to have feelings because of the fear of having your true self rejected.
You end up caretaking the care giver so that you can receive care.
Codependency has nothing to do with gender on any level; it has everything to do with what we’ve done with needing to hide our feelings or not knowing what our feelings are.
There are 2 kinds of codependency: aggressive and passive.
Aggressive codependents are:
hyper controllers.
people pleasers.
caretakers.
achievement oriented.
Passive codependents appear to give up their opinions and thoughts in order to maintain the status quo, and be worth something by not having much.
On the other hand, aggressive codependents find their worth in having a lot.
Codependency is so pervasive that it is considered a norm.
Because codependency is so pervasive, we’ve been conditioned to believe that intimacy is actually the status quo.
Don’t rock the boat.
Keep things in line.
Keep things controlled.
Don’t let things become emotional.
Sadly, emotions are represented as reactivity.
In reactivity, people will scream, yell, kick, and go away, or they will go away and disappear as a way to express emotion when actually emotion is really a genuine expression of vulnerability and need.
Tearing down something or someone, demanding something of other people, and raging at people is not feelings. Suppression, withholding, withdrawing, and going away is not feelings. These are reactions to feelings that you’re afraid to express.
The solution to codependency is:
to feel your feelings,
tell the truth about them, and
hand them over to the process of living fully in relationship.
Codependency is pervasive, and addiction comes out of it. Codependency does not fulfill us, so we search for something that will.
Once we awaken to our codependency and reawaken to how we’re made, we have to learn how to feel our feelings, tell the truth about them, and hand them over to the process of living fully in relationship. This takes great courage because it’s embarrassing, difficult and a real struggle. Only the courageous do it. Most people just settle for getting by.
The goal in life is not just to just get through it, but to live fully in it.
Because we are genuinely made for connection, there are 3 things that the mind and heart are always seeking.
Regulation
Resonance
Revision
Healing occurs through regulation, and codependency is living in dysregulation.
Regulation comes through asking questions.
In healthy relationships, people take the risk of being vulnerable and ask each other:
“Are you okay?”
“What’s going on with you? You seem agitated.”
“Are you okay with me?”
“Have I done something to cause you to distance yourself from me?”
“You look sad. What’s going on?”
“Are we okay?”
Unhealthy codependent relationships avoid asking questions because they:
Rock the boat.
Get you in trouble.
Create more problems.
Cause difficulty.
Codependent relationships involve guessing or making up stories about what is going with someone instead of asking them.
When we don’t ask questions and simply “find out” what is going on with another person, we end up dysregulated. This leads to anxiety which triggers the need for control.
Healthy relationships > Regulated = Asking Questions (requires vulnerability)
Codependent relationships > Dysregulated = Not Asking Questions (leads to a need for control)
Once we are regulated, we end up having resonance, which means “We’re good.” There is joy, comfort, pleasure, a sense of security and well-being. This leads us to be able to be our true selves.
Resonance is a joining. A joining of connection that allows me to safely be my unique self - it means we’re together and free to have our “own dance.”
When we seek codependency recovery through regulation that leads to resonance, we end up revising the story of our lives. This is called revision.
You can’t change your past, but you can pick up from where you are and actually change your future; this is revision.
In revision you:
break the unhealthy rules.
drop the unhealthy roles.
drop the unhealthy script.
start telling the truth about what you’re feeling, how you’re made, who you’re made to be, and what you’re made to do.
Conversely, anxiety tells us to get control of our outside world so that we can be okay on the inside. But we are made to expose our inside world, so that we can be okay on the outside world.
Codependency is the disbelief that God is big enough to be able to handle us and handle each other.
We do not need to seek perfection, instead we need to experience living fully which means that God has to be completely in the experience of our living life to the full.
The human solution is not the solution. We must present our humanity to a higher power, meaning a power that is greater than ourselves, the one true God.
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Revision doesn’t allow us to have perfection. It allows us to heal with each other in the sorrows and troubles that are inevitable in this life.
M. Scott Peck - The Road Less Traveled
We need to raise our children to be able to struggle and have their feelings for the purpose of what feelings can do, which is keep us in the struggle.
If you live a revised life or you were raised to not hide your heart, then you have the capacity for intimacy, which allows you to connect with others.
There are four elements that allow us to live in intimacy in a healthy relationship.
1. We have to practice humility.
We must remember that we don’t get to be God.
We make mistakes.
We don’t know all the answers.
We are in need.
We must remember that we are all made out of the same material.
We don’t get in the way of God.
Remember that practicing humility requires a lot of courage.
It is being with others while they have their own experience without controlling or possessing them.
“He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8
2. Mutuality is a shared empathy.
I can receive and give respect.
It is shared valuing.
It is a shared empowerment.
It is a shared respect.
It is a recognition that we walk on the same plane.
It is a mutual care.
It is having mutual expectations.
It is mutual trust.
We are always working toward mutuality.
3. Profound respect for differences.
Appreciates differences in others.
Allows others to have their own revision.
Allows others to have their own path.
Lets go of control while staying present.
4. Practicing the painful experience of patience.
Patience literally means being in pain.
The word pathos is in pain. It is where we get the capacity for patience.
Patience means carrying the burden of hope.
We trust a process that we cannot control.
Building intimacy leads to living a full functioning life with fully functioning relationships.
In a fully functioning relationship:
I can talk openly about things that are important to me.
I can name my feelings, beliefs, values, and keep behaviors consistent with them.
I can define the limits of what I can comfortably do or give.
I can clarify the limits of what is acceptable or tolerable in relationships.
I can openly share my vulnerabilities and my competencies with others.
I can give others permission to do the same.
Dr. Chip Dodd
Voice of the Heart Center