36 - Symptoms of Codependency (Part 2)
Episode Highlights:
Structure of Symptoms of Codependency
Name the symptom
Identify the fear that it’s grounded in
Identify the toxic shame that it is birthed in
Discuss its impaired expression in our lives
Discuss what it was meant to be
Codependency recovery and codependency illness is not an either/or; it’s both/and.
Just like addiction, codependency is an attempt to have a full life, without having to be truly human and having to deal with needs, embarrassment and vulnerability. It is both/and as an impaired way of living and an attempt to find full life.
Recovery is developing a tolerance for vulnerability.
Vulnerability is the key to identifying myself as human, having feelings and being in need; and identifying others who are capable of feeling and being in need.
Codependency is the loss of self, and all that comes with self, given over to significant others because they are uncomfortable with someone being human in their presence. So, with our need to belong and matter, we will sacrifice how God made us to belong and matter to those who are actually running from themselves.
Sadly, children don’t know that these caregivers are running from themselves because children look at their caregivers knowing that they are big and the child is little. They think, “You must be right because you’re big; therefore, I must be wrong.”
The caregiver’s toxic shame and defenses, and their protection from their own internal world become a rejection to belonging and mattering for the child.
The origin of how we’re created is found in this equation:
intuition + suspicion + questions = the growing ability to discern
where I am
who I’m with
what I need to do
This means I am listening to my internal world.
Intuition + suspicion + questions = discernment.
Intuition + suspicion + defensiveness = judgmentalism. Judging my environment around me all the time based upon making sure that I do not end up looking little, stupid, or weak. This is the fear and toxic shame of vulnerability.
So, your whole life revolves around trying to fit in based upon your performance again, rather than being how you are made. This requires that you ask a lot of questions.
Asking questions is a solution that helps separate us from judgment and return us to discernment.
3. Name the symptom
Investment of self-worth in ability to control one’s self and others
Identify the fear that it’s grounded in
Fear of exposure as being in need; vulnerable; you don’t have all the answers
You don’t have control
You don’t know how to do something
You don’t have the right answer
You fight hard to never be in that place of vulnerability again.
Identify the toxic shame that it is birthed in
unless you can control, you will be seen as defective and “be in trouble.”
Discuss its impaired expression in our lives (External locus of control)
You spend your time being hypervigilant, watching other’s reactions to see how you are “supposed” to behave
You live reactively
You spend time reading others’ minds
Discuss what it was meant to be (Internal locus of control)
Self-trust that leads to asking questions or asking for help as your needs arise.
I want to live life fully more than I want to just be safe.
4. Name the symptom
Meeting others’ needs to the apparent exclusion of one’s own needs; always seeking approval and affirmation
Identify the fear that it’s grounded in
Fear of others’ displeasure
Identify the toxic shame that it is birthed in
Unless others are pleased, I will be seen as unacceptable and not wanted.
Discuss its impaired expression in our lives (External locus of control)
Denial of my own internal awareness (feelings, needs, desire, longings, and hope)
Leads to martyr syndrome (Unless I am giving to others, my needs will not be met)
Discuss what it was meant to be (Internal locus of control)
Knowing and taking care of my own needs by asking God and others to help me, so I can care about others from a “full cup”
The Boy & the Ogre: Finding Freedom from Codependency by Chip Dodd
5. Name the symptom
Anxiety and boundary distortions around intimacy
Identify the fear that it’s grounded in
The fear of “response ability” (listening to and speaking feelings, needs, desire, longings, and hope) or fear of being in trouble because I am having feelings
Identify the toxic shame that it is birthed in
If my experience is different from your experience, something is wrong with me.
Discuss its impaired expression in our lives (External locus of control)
If you feel a certain way, I cannot feel another way.
Discuss what it was meant to be (Internal locus of control)
I can feel how I feel, and you can feel something different.
Dr. Chip Dodd
Voice of the Heart Center