39: Symptoms of Codependency (Part 5)
Episode Highlights:
“Confusion about Toxic Shame and Guilt”
Codependency is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to deal with. Even though we have been “taught” to rid ourselves of how God made us, it does not give us permission or the right to stay there. It is a sickness that we have, and we have the responsibility to find the healing.
Codependency is the loss of how God made us, with self-awareness, self-trust, self-care, being sensitive to our own true feelings, loss of learning how to respond to our feelings in a healthy way; it is the loss of self-worth—given over to the needs of significant others who are uncomfortable with themselves, or self-rejecting.
Codependency recovery is not selfishness; it is “Self-fullness.” Self-fullness is having enough of who God created us to be that we have the ability to give our gifts to a world in need.
The need to belong and matter is so powerful that we are going to find a way to get those needs met—through suppression or expression.
Expression has to be grown and matured, so codependency recovery does take time and investment.
Each of the symptoms that we have discussed in this podcast is from the work of Timmen Cermak, in his book Diagnosing and Treating Codependency. The descriptions and following work are from my own experiences.
Codependency is pervasive, a pandemic, and all the relief-seeking addictions we can name have their origin and influence in codependency.
Symptom #12 Confusion About Toxic Shame and Guilt
Toxic shame is grounded in never being able to do anything “right enough,” or be right enough to be loved, or have the “right” to receive mercy.
In toxic shame the confusion between shame and guilt is birthed in the mistaken belief that I should be able to not mess up; not make mistakes; should not have to need mercy; should be able to be perfect. It is the belief that only perfect people can be loved. If I am not perfect, I am “worth-less” and cannot be loved.
The impaired expression of toxic shame is always “I feel guilty” even though I’m forgiven, even when I’m accepted; it is a “master slave owner.” If someone is okay with me, I am temporarily okay with myself, but I know it won’t last. Toxic shame makes me feel as though I am always walking on “thin ice.” (external locus of control)
The healthy experience of confusion about toxic shame and guilt is knowing the difference between forgiveness and contempt towards one’s self for being in need of forgiveness.
The difference between “I make a mistake versus I am a mistake” references the work of John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You
Toxic shame says, “I make a mistake; therefore, I am a mistake.”
When toxic shame takes over, we move from identifying ourselves as human beings and start seeing ourselves as “human doings.”
Guilt says, “I made a mistake, and I need to learn.” Mistakes are not necessarily sin.
Guilt is a feeling I have whenever I DO things that go against my legitimate value system. Guilt is related to my actions and even the plans I make that go against my value system.
A legitimate value system is founded in: The Golden Rule and The Royal Law
The Golden Rule: “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12
The Royal Law: “If you keep the royal law found in Scripture, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself,’ you are doing right.” James 2:8
The universal basis upon which a legitimate value system is built has The Golden Rule and the The Royal Law in it. The value system requires having compassion, mercy, and awareness of myself as human—like everyone else.
This means that when I am looking at you, that I am also looking at myself.
We are made the same, out of the same material. We all need the same things, make the same mistakes, sin, and struggle with the realities of life.
We are all struggling with four realities:
Clumsy is as good as we are ever going to be.
We live life on life’s terms—limits are reality, and we are always works in progress.
We are all practicing.
It really does take a lifetime to learn how to live.
We are works in progress, not works of perfection.
These four realities grant us permission to be in need, and recognize that guilt occurs when we go or move against being human, rejecting our own needs and ignoring the needs of others.
When we work against The Golden Rule in our lives through insults, harm, dishonesty, looks of disgust, judgments and rejection, not only do we harm ourselves, we also harm those we do these things to.
Guilt has been given to us to allow us to be in pain with the burden of knowing that we have DONE something to another that we would not want to be done to us.
My own sensitivity allows me to have guilt when:
I recognize my own feelings
I am sensitive to my own inner-self
I recognize the Golden Rule
Guilt is a feeling, not a judgment upon myself like toxic shame creates. Guilt moves me to see what I have DONE that I would not want done to me, and it can move me to sorrow and action.
Empathy is care for myself and my own pain; it moves me to compassion. It allows me to see the pain of another. Seeing the pain of another is called compassion.
Because I have experienced pain in my own life, I can relate to the pain of another. That relating to the pain of another is compassion. I can see myself in another. If I am the one who created the pain, my empathy will bring me to guilt.
Guilt leads me to seek reconciliation through forgiveness.
Seeking forgiveness is requesting to be released from the burden that isolated me from the connection to the life I am made to have, living in relationship. It leads me to the admission and the vulnerability of seeking to connect again after having broken the connection with sin.
When a person feels guilt, they also possess a question that requires action: Will you forgive me?
Also in the question is the hope that I can be trusted again: Could you trust me again?
Love is not earned. Trust is earned.
In marriages, love and trust are vital. Love is an underserved experience.
Trustworthiness is an earned experience, not just by being consistent and dependable, but by being able to feel guilt and acknowledge it.
“Will you forgive me?” is a request to rebuild trust.
If I am truly acknowledging having done harm, seeking forgiveness leads to being unburdened.
Admission of the need that comes from guilt is:
humbling
mercy seeking
beautiful
Doing what the feeling of guilt moves us to do, leads us to freedom, and hopefully forgiveness. It can lead to the joy of looking for the future, believing in the possibilities of better days. It sets us free.
Feeling guilty:
can give us the “unburdening” that gives us forgiveness through reconciliation
can give us the “unburdening” that gives us freedom through the admission
Unhealthy people seek justification: “I am sorry, but if you had not . . . .”
Healthy people seek forgiveness: “I am sorry that I did . . . .”
Godly sorrow is part of our freedom. Guilt creates “Godly sorrow.”
“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow leads to death.” II Corinthians 7:10
Guilt and seeking forgiveness puts us at another person’s mercy, and God’s mercy. We are seeking mercy—mercy through another’s compassion.
Healthy Shame
Guilt grows out of healthy shame, the ability to recognize myself as human like other humans.
Healthy shame is the feeling that allows us to know that we live as dependent creatures. It is summed up in four recognitions:
I don’t have all the answers, and you don’t either. Let’s share.
I am not God; you aren’t either. We need God.
I make mistakes; you do, too. Since we both make mistakes, lets acknowledge them.
I need you, and you need me. We need each other.
Out of the awareness that I will mess up and will always be in need, comes the recognition that I will also need to say that I am sorry (knowing that we are all made the same way.)
Consciousness of our sameness leads to conscience, or sensitivity towards another.
If I don’t have the sensitivity of healthy shame, then I will have toxic shame.
Toxic shame is the contempt towards myself for being human; because I have feelings, needs, desire, longings, hope, there is something wrong with me. It pushes me to hate my own vulnerability and neediness.
Sadly, toxic shame leads me to have hatred of the need for forgiveness, because I have to admit wrongdoing. It is also a hatred of mercy, because I have to admit my faults and needs.
A toxic shame belief is that being in need of mercy is being inferior, and therefore, it makes me feel “worth-less.”
Toxic shame also moves us to fear taking a risk, as well as fear being in need. We are ashamed of both—risk can lead to failure and needing can lead to humiliation.
Codependency with its origin in toxic shame robs us of feeling guilt.
I am never going to be enough because I cannot be perfect.
We “run” from what can heal us and put us in relationship with ourselves, others, and God because we let others have control of us through our toxic shame.
The God ordained path to success is the willingness to fail, and willingness to seek forgiveness.
Codependency is controlled by anxiety.
When we return to how we are made, including seeking forgiveness, our anxiety goes down.
As our capacity for forgiveness and failure goes up, our anxiety goes down, and our capacity for embarrassment goes up.
Embarrassment is a form of vulnerability that comes with being human, willing to fail and willing to seek forgiveness—the return to healthy shame.
Toxic shame is slavery.
Healthy shame opens the door to freedom, including guilt and the embarrassment (humility) of being human—we make mistakes, we fail, we sin, and we need forgiveness.
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1
Toxic shame destroys everything. It is the ultimate suppressor.
Toxic shame isolates us from:
Who we are made to be
Connection with each other as human
Connection with something we need greater than ourselves—God
Toxic shame takes us away from being human.
Healing from toxic shame is humiliating to someone who has toxic shame.
Healthy shame is the truth:
Feelings aren’t a mistake
Needs aren’t weakness
Desire isn’t wrong
Longings aren’t foolish
Hope is not a joke, though dangerous
We are made to move towards fulfillment, in spite of the pain
We are created to live how God made us
Feelings are a gift that allow us to live fully in a tragic world.
Toxic shame tells us they are a weakness and foolish.
We are influenced to become ashamed of how we are made; this means we have “no healthy shame.”
The repaired life is the one that is lived between forgiveness and admission. We need to pour contempt upon our pride, but God has never told us to pour contempt upon who He made.
Jesus came to seek and save that which was lost.
“For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost.” Luke 19:10
Dr. Chip Dodd
Voice of the Heart Center