60 - 12 Movements of a Man's Life #10: A Man Keeps No Secrets
A man keeps no secrets:
He does not hide behind a cloak of pretending or darkness.
He does not isolate his heart from those who matter to him.
He does not dwell in places that he would not let others know about who matter to him.
Secrets are things a man hides for fear that he will be rejected, censured, judged, or stopped.
Secrets are ways a man hides his heart’s pain from others by finding ways to numb his heart, through addiction, affairs, depression, isolation, “false loyalties,” and pretense.
A man needs to know that he is needy. He needs to be able to communicate his feelings and needs, while also being able to trust “waiting” for them to be met.
A man who lives without secrets will still sin, make mistakes, and have regrets.
However, he practices a lifestyle of rigorous honesty because he admits his sins, mistakes, and regrets.
This man remains transparent by telling the truths of his heart to the right people who will respect his struggles and vulnerabilities.
A man who keeps no secrets is usually a competent human being who is:
Curious, wanting to know about others, and allowing others to know about him.
Courageous, fully participating in living with his whole heart.
Compassionate, being able to identify with others’ pain because he knows his own pain.
The skills of a competent human being are separate from the skills one develops as a surgeon or plumber.
A competent human being values intimacy and integrity more than he values his skills. His worth is connected to “who he is” more than “what he does.”
We are as sick as the secrets we keep.
Secrets are powerful because they are “counterfeit” experiences of feeling connected without the vulnerability that comes with being connected in genuine relationship. For example, alcohol gives a person a sense of connection without being in genuine relationship, as do all forms of addiction substances and processes.
Keeping secrets make us sick because it requires great energy to be emotionally defensive and guarded.
A man with secrets has to be emotionally guarded by being vigilant and controlling in order to prevent his secrets from being discovered or “exposed.”
This emotional withholding keeps a person from being able to join in full relationship with another person who matters to them.
A person with secrets cannot have intimacy or “into-me-see” with another person for fear of being rejected, judged, censured, or stopped, once they are “found out.”
Secrets usually begin as substitutes for relationships a person does not have.
People develop secrets because they are failing at relationships.
Men who keep secrets do not know how to share their feelings, needs, desire, longings, or hope with others.
Because we are created to experience that we belong and matter, we will either find our need to belong and matter in legitimate ways or illegitimate ways. Secrets are illegitimate ways to get legitimate needs met.
Emotional expression with the right people is the antidote to secrets.
We are created to find fulfillment in relationship, which requires that others know us emotionally—our fears, our imaginings, our struggles, our depths, our private longings, and hopes.
For example, if I am afraid of something, I need to deal with that fear:
I can deal with my fear by asking for help, which makes me known and grows my healthy dependence on others in relationship.
Or, I can develop a form of escape from the fear by finding ways to numb it or get control over it, which is non-relational. Non-relational patterns develop dependence on pretending or isolating from being in need of genuine relationship.
Pretending and isolating will eventually “wear out” a person’s emotional reserves, and push them towards some form of relief seeking that often becomes another secret.
Alcohol and drug addiction (illegal and prescribed) is the most prevalent form of what happens to people who pretend and isolate. More than 60+ million people in this country suffer from alcohol and/or drug addiction.
Secrets can kill; we remain as sick as the secrets that we keep.
Secrets develop into a form of judging everyone around us:
A person who has secrets has judged themselves as being unlovable or rejectable. They project that same perception on anyone who knows the truth of their situation. People with secrets have foreclosed on the possibility of mercy.
Toxic shame (contempt towards one’s self) has defeated healthy shame (the recognition of being in need and needing the help of others).
People with secrets often live in denial and dissociation from the truth of their hearts.
A person with secrets can even keep the truth from themselves. They can dissociate from the true self of feeling and needing and therefore live in denial.
Denial is the defense of literally not seeing what is actually true.
The purpose of denial is to:
not see > so that I will not feel > so that I will not need > not talk about what is actually happening inside of me.
If I do talk, I will be trusting that others can help. (Toxic shame tells you that if you do trust others, you will be rejected.)
Denial:
I do not see
I do not feel
I do not need
I do not talk
I do not trust
Denial is a defense that protects a person from being vulnerable.
Isolation from relationship does not stop a person from being in need of relational fulfillment.
Denial pushes a person to become dependent on some other “counterfeit” fulfillment.
Denial helps reinforce secrets, and secrets isolate a person further from the freedom they could have.
Secrets are not always shameful; however, all secrets are controlled by toxic shame.
Loneliness, which is very prevalent in our society today, can become an emotional experience that we have toxic shame about. Feelings can become secrets.
All of our feelings can become secrets. The needs that go with feelings can become secrets. For example, unaddressed sadness (a feeling that tells me I need comfort from friends) can instead become a secret of finding comfort in alcohol or Xanax.
The antidote to secrets is relationship with one’s self, others, and God.
Becoming willing to be known on the “inside” by others is vital.
Letting trustworthy people know your feelings, needs, desire, longings, and hope.
Making your public and private life come into congruence creates trustworthiness and personal dignity.
Being the same person when you are alone as when you are with others needs to become a lifestyle practice for self-respect.
Creating a “Circle of Security” with a few others with whom you can struggle and celebrate. (This reinforces a sense of worth and accountability.) “Living With Heart” Episodes 6 & Episode 7
Developing an intimate relationship with a mercy-giving and forgiving God.
Wanting to live truthfully, even though painful.
Everyone needs others and God because we are created to find fulfillment in relationship.
Secrets stop us from knowing the “heart” of ourselves,
Secrets stop us from sharing our hearts with others,
Secrets stop us from letting our hearts be given to a loving God.
“Cast all of your anxieties upon him because he cares for you,” ( I Peter 5:7 NIV) is such a beautiful and simple truth. Anything that bothers you, bothers God because he cares for you.
This one verse, along with thousands of others, confirms that there is another life beyond the isolation that secrets take a person to.
Secrets kill. Truthfulness gives us back the lives our hearts crave.
We must feel our feelings, tell the truth about them, and trust the process of how life works for our good (God owns the process of how life works).
Dr. Chip Dodd
Voice of the Heart Center