67 - Understanding a Woman's Heart: Exploring The Way Love Works
The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com.
In Pensées, Blaise Pascal said, “the heart has its reasons which reason knows not.”
Healthy love relationships work in ways that we must yield to, rather than attempt to change.
After we yield to the ways of love, we still need to learn them.
So much that we miss in life has to do with our hearts not being available to be “touched”:
We are often not present enough in heart to be receptive to change or admit need for change.
The vulnerability that moves us to yield to help is mostly associated with negative rather than positive outcomes.
Jesus, however, clearly supports us yielding our hearts so that we can be a part of a yield or bountiful harvest.
Having the vulnerability to change and grow can create an opportunity for great benefits.
In Matthew 13, Jesus shared the story of the “Parable of the Sower” that speaks to us about the power of yielding or being vulnerable, which produces benefits. All relationships of consequence can benefit greatly from our willingness to face, feel, and deal with our hearts so that we can give and receive the love we need and others need.
Jesus also shared the “Parable of the Sower.”
“Then he told them many things in parables, saying: ‘A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Whoever has ears, let them hear.’”
“The disciples came to him and asked, ‘Why do you speak to the people in parables?’”
“He replied, ‘Because the knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of heaven has been given to you, but not to them. Whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. This is why I speak to them in parables:’”
“’Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand.
In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah:’”
“‘You will be ever hearing but never understanding;
you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
For this people’s heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.’”
Matthew 13:3-15 (NIV)
If we truly want relationship fulfillment with others, our spouses, our children, and God, it really does mean that we need to “understand with our hearts,” so that we can participate in a bounty of living fully, loving deeply, and leading well lives that bestow blessings on others.
All relationships of consequence can benefit greatly from our willingness to face, feel, and deal with our hearts so that we can receive and give the love we need and others need.
We need to face, feel, and deal with our hearts because the heart is connected to all the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
If the heart is not fully involved with empathy and compassion, a man becomes an object to be controlled and a woman becomes an object to be controlled.
Our relationships become transactional, like a business contract, rather than transformational.
The commonality of all humans is that we are dependent human beings who need to belong, and we are human beings who need to be needed so we can matter. This fact is neuroscience-based and ancient truth.
The most up to date neuroscience re-opens the door to ancient truths: we find fulfillment through relationship, with ourselves, others, and God.
Marriage itself is a process of:
dependency
neediness
struggle
It is a mystery and a miracle that two imperfect human beings can:
hurt each other and heal
love each other and still harm each other
be inextricably connected and distinct
develop each other’s best in spite of all of our limitations
It is imperative that neither spouse be dominant. If one person is dominant, the other person will be subordinated. This is a “relationship” that fosters resentment and avoidance, in which no one actually experiences fulfillment. God did not create us to want to be controlled, or to get our needs met through control.
A woman needs to belong and matter; these needs are essentially met through security.
A man needs to belong and matter; these needs are essentially met through appreciation.
The man needs to meet the woman’s need for security precedes appreciation before his need for appreciation will be met.
Unless a woman is secure, she will not be able voluntarily to give appreciation.
Any alternative process sets up discord, performance-based satisfaction, and conditional and transactional “love.” The man will often “demand” appreciation and “demand” that she feels secure on his terms of expectation, rather than attending to how she is created to experience security
If a man develops the capability of gentleness, vulnerability, and availability in relationship, there is a very high probability that the woman will experience security.
Episodes #65 and Episode #66.
Every man also needs to receive gentleness, vulnerability, and availability from other men. This experience engenders confidence and competence in a man, because he needs a place beyond his spouse to learn how to live life fully and love deeply. Men need mentoring to be able to meet the needs of a spouse and family. No one comes into life knowing how to live fully and love deeply.
We all must learn how to become who we are created to become.
If a man doesn’t yield to the courage required to become gentle, available, and vulnerable, he will never be a part of developing an atmosphere in which loved ones are secure.
Without security, the relationship in the marriage and the family never becomes truly stable, safe, and supportive, which is the focus of Episode #68.
Dr. Chip Dodd
Voice of the Heart Center