75 - Pitfalls of Leadership: #4 Isolation Becomes "Safety"
The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). You can connect with Dr. Chip Dodd at chip@chipdodd.com. Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com.
The Pitfalls of Leadership are descending steps, one connects to the other with predictable effects.
Some leaders have referred to the descent as a “chain reaction.”
The descent can be stopped at any time, with an intervention from others who the leader listens and healthily responds to, or a cry out from the leader in descent who is heard and responded to by others.
The Five Pitfalls:
Work becomes confused with one’s worth.
Performance begins to be valued more than one’s presence.
People become things.
To be an example to others, the true self is isolated.
Secrets sap one’s passion and purpose.
These pitfalls can destroy careers, friendships, reputations, marriages and families—unless one is freed from them.
#4 To be an example to others, the true self is isolated
Leaders often put pressure on themselves to:
continually be of service
to appear a certain way
to always be an example—as expected by others
This demand for perfection sets up a leader to deny his/her own feelings and needs.
Denial does not stop needs, but instead arouses toxic shame when the leader has a need. Isolating the heart from being known from the inside-out leaves a leader hungry to get needs met and yet unable to need people to meet the needs.
An inanimate source of fulfillment can become the “getaway” or “cure” for the leader at this point. Therefore, counterfeit fulfillments for needs take the place of relational fulfillments.
Problems that trap leaders are so widespread and repeated that they are considered normal, but they are not.
The Pitfalls are not normal, but they are so abundantly common that we can easily relate to them, and often get trapped by them.
We must not confuse what most people consider as common, with what is normal.
The book Keeping Heart by Dr Chip Dodd is a series of meditative “pearls” on what true normal is.
In the description of Pitfall 3, “People Become Things,” the drive for perfection in the leader begins to emotionally and spiritually drain the leader because he/she is not addressing their need for replenishment.
Then, not only does the leader begin to see human beings as “problems” to be solved or “things” to be managed, the leader has also become removed from his or her own well-being.
The leader not only begins to treat others as objects, but the leader becomes more entrenched in treating himself or herself as an object.
Even a machine needs to be refueled. Sadly, the “human doing” will neglect the need to refuel.
The neglect of the human being’s needs leads to Pitfall 4, the true self becomes isolated.
The true self becomes isolated.
A leader’s belief in the need to be an example is usually a hidden internal demand to be perfect.
The leader develops denial about his or her own humanity.
Being human is associated with toxic shame and self-contempt.
Exposing one’s humanity in healthy shame must be avoided and defended against (denied).
The following factors are associated with toxic shame and self-contempt, even though they are healthy characteristics of being fully human:
Making mistakes
Not having answers
Being in need
Having feelings
Vulnerability
Healthy shame, which is the foundation upon which humility is developed, is what the leader has toxic shame about.
Healthy shame expresses what it means to be human and leads to the need of others and God:
I make mistakes, and so do you. We work together to correct them.
I don’t have all the answers, and you don’t either. We work together to find answers.
I need you and you need me. Together we accomplish our goals or mission.
I am not God, and you aren’t either. We are in need of God.
Without our healthy shame that tells us that we don’t have all the answers, we would no longer believe we have feelings and needs. Then we would become dissociated from the “performer,” and denial becomes the primary defense to hide the leader’s feelings and needs.
Dissociation simply means that the leader no longer “associates” with their own human feelings and needs.
The “human doing” takes over and hides the human being. Denial becomes the primary defense that isolates the leader.
Hallmarks of denial that are a part of toxic shame work as follows:
The leader no longer accurately sees the reality of their own environment and interactions.
If the leader sees accurately, they will have feelings and needs that will render them vulnerable, and they do not know how to reveal or process feelings and needs.
If the leader sees, feels, and needs, they are at risk of talking about (exposure of not having control) what is occurring inside their true self.
The leader is then at risk of having to trust others to help them, which is “not permissible,” according to their mistaken beliefs about worth and value.
Dissociation and Denial trap the leader:
The leader loses “touch” with their internal makeup, and the leader is no longer genuinely connected to others. This results in isolation from one’s true self and others.
The ironic tragedy is that isolation “feels” like the safest place for the leader to “hide” hurt, humiliation, and heartbreak.
The solution has become the problem.
That which “protects” the leader will “harm” the leader.
Because we are human beings:
we only find fulfillment through relationship with others and God. Even in isolation, the human heart does not stop craving that which fulfills a person.
we cannot escape our need for relationship.
The leader who is trapped by the Pitfall of Isolation begins to look for counterfeit solutions to seek relief from the very real need for relationship.
The leader seeks replacements for genuine relationship, which is inherent in healthy shame, but anathema in toxic shame.
“False cures” and “getaway solutions” become the internal preoccupation and mental focus of the leader.
Examples of “cures” or “getaways”:
more time away from leadership
going places where the leader is anonymous
involvement in activities that important people like family or peers don’t know about
plans to quit or exit,
fantasies of doing something else that is “easier,”
wishing to become sick to be “excused” from leading.
These “cures” hide the internal pain of the leader. They do not address the loneliness of leadership or the benefits of solitude.
Caveat:
1. Pitfall 4 is not a hopeless place; however, the leader is in need of help.
2. The leader needs an intervention or a desperate admission of need for help from experienced and knowledgeable sources who can relate to the pain of the leader.
3. Pitfall 4, however, is a “fork in the road.”
a) Either help is accepted or sought, or the descent will continue.
b) Revitalization, renewal, restoration, or redemption can definitely happen at this stage.
Stress unaddressed leads to exhaustion and “burnout” symptoms:
Depersonalization, the leader is no longer able to relate to his/her own or others feelings and needs.
Desensitization, the leader is no longer able to recognize his/her impact on others.
Detachment, the leader is no longer able to “remember what it was all for.”
Depression, the leader is no longer able to “call up” the energy to care, and make good choices.
The leader is internally miserable:
Passion is replaced by the will power to continue.
Purpose is lost in the “need” to get through the day.
Plans are necessities that have become onerous burdens.
Sadly, the leader develops the appearance of powerful stress tolerance, but never develops dependency resilience.
Dependency resilience is the sense of security and strength that comes from having people and places to go to where they know that their struggles will be accepted and their pains can be admitted.
Dependency resilience is usually created in childhood by having people who support and encourage true self development, by encouraging risk-taking and vulnerability at the same time.
Dependency Resilience:
Means that a person develops the ability to launch into trying things, knowing that they have a place to return to where their wounds can be addressed and their victories can be celebrated.
Creates a paradox whereby being able to be in need, the person actually develops the capacity to endure great pain, and still maintain passion and hope. That person is championed, or advocated by being able to need “safe, supportive” people.
Becomes a genuine form of stress tolerance by addressing pain, rather than avoiding pain.
Can still be developed as a grownup, even if he/she did not develop dependency resilience in childhood.
Stress for a human being actually means that life is happening like we wish it would not happen.
The solution to this pain is having people and places a person can depend on to share the difficulties and struggles of living in a painful world.
Dependency resilience is that which brings the true self, or the heart of the person, to the task at hand without losing hope or the need for help or the desire to produce.
Isolation is defeated by dependency resilience.
BUT FIRST, THE LEADER HAS TO COME TO AN ADMISSION OF NEED FOR HELP FROM SOURCES WHO CAN RELATE TO THE LEADER’S DILEMMA.
Dr. Chip Dodd
Voice of the Heart Center