Caring Enough to Confront
When someone really matters to us, we desire good for that person. Wanting good for someone requires that we take emotional risks when we see a friend or loved one involved in behaviors we know are harmful or wrong. That means we care enough to confront.
Confronting is scary because most of us have experienced loss of relationship when we cared enough to confront. Nevertheless, active love is expressed through being truthful, even when we risk being rejected. Therefore, it is helpful to know how to confront in ways that offer the best chances of being received well.
Most people mistakenly think that confrontation and conflict are the same. They are not. Conflict is about power over someone. Confrontation is about vulnerability towards someone. The one doing the confronting is offering an invitation that can be turned down, thus the vulnerability. The one doing the confrontation takes the risk of sharing their inner-experience about someone’s external behavior. So confrontation takes courage.
Healthy confrontation involves the following basic structure:
Begin all confrontations with “I” statements. Doing so clearly indicates that you are talking about your own experience of the other person’s behavior. When we begin a confrontation with “You,” it arouses defensiveness in the other person, and lowers the chances of being heard. When we talk about ourselves, we attract the other person’s tendency to listen.
Follow “I” with the feeling you have about the other person’s behavior. For example, “I feel sad,” or “I feel lonely,” or “I feel afraid,” means that you are clearly talking about your own experience of the other person’s behavior. You have opened your heart to the other person by exposing feelings.
Once you have spoken the emotional impact of the other person’s behavior, you tell them specifically where the feeling comes from. “I feel sad when you . . . ,” or “I feel lonely when you . . . ,” and then and only then do you name the thing you are seeing or hearing the person do.
Next, you add the specific behavior you see or hear. “I feel sad and scared when I see you drink and then demand to drive.” Or “I feel hurt when you say sarcastic things like, ‘I wanted you to come with me because you’re no competition to me.’” Or “I felt sad and angry when I saw you take off your wedding ring before we went into the party last night.” Or “I felt afraid when you were talking to Tyrone, and then when he left, you started talking bad about him. I fear you could do that to me.”
When confronting, the “I-feel-when-you, . . .” always follows with a specific behavior you have seen or heard. Naming the specific behavior gives the person being confronted an opportunity to see exactly what you are talking about. It gives them a chance to see, feel, and face themselves.
If they see, feel, and face their behaviors, they may follow up with a desire to change. No matter what follows, you know that you have loved the person you care about enough to risk your own heart for their good. It tells them that you care enough to risk loss to give them love.
If you care enough to confront, using the structure, “I feel ------, when you ------” does two things. First, it offers the greatest opportunity to be received. Second, it ensures that the person who is risking their heart remains specific, truthful and merciful, rather than accusatory and judgmental.
Written by Chip Dodd, Ph.D.