69 - Understanding a Woman's Heart: The Way Relationship Works
The "Living with Heart" Podcast is brought to you by Chip Dodd Resources (www.chipdodd.com) and The Voice of the Heart Center (vothcenter.com). Contact Bryan Barley for coaching at bryan@vothcenter.com.
Origins of Understanding a Woman’s Heart
In this podcast series we have been discussing the dynamics of a woman’s heart in relation to a man’s heart. The content we have discussed has come from education and research; Scriptural foundations; and even more, from the 1000s of individuals and couples whom I have worked with in a therapeutic setting.
Relationships are a matter of the heart, as much and more than they are an experience of the brain:
A woman experiences herself as chosen through the security the man creates for her by being a Redeemer, Protector, and Provider, in that order. She can offer her dependency to the man in an authentic way if he brings these qualities.
A man experiences himself as appreciated because he has brought his whole heart to the relationship, allowing vulnerability, availability, and gentleness to lead the internal life of the relationship.
In this way, the foundational needs of belonging and mattering are met through relationship.
The connected couple can build on the foundation of security and appreciation.
This couple will experience the future together, come what may, because their connection and commitment are based in the “pain tolerance” of the heart, not the “pain intolerance” of the brain. The brain seeks pleasure; the heart tolerates the pain of love.
Super Practical “Response-Abilities”
After creating a foundation for understanding the emotional and spiritual needs of the relationship, the following reality needs to be grasped:
A man’s primary job is “customer service”! A man is created to serve others, especially his family.
A man serves best when he does the following three actions consistently:
TCB: A man needs to “take care of business.” He needs to pay the bills before the frills. He needs to attend to the place they live, and oversee the management of property and vocation.
Stay on Mission: A man needs to stay focused on whatever calling, role, or position he has been assigned to fulfill. In this way, he reinforces his own self-respect and shows himself to be dependable and trustworthy.
Do Not Overly Need a Woman: A man does not need to overly need a woman. He must not pressure his spouse to be his constant emotional support. He knows he needs to get his needs met from peers who have the same experiences that all true men risk experiencing. He knows what the woman cannot do for him.
So many women have mistakenly been led to believe that it is their job to meet needs of the man in ways that she cannot meet. She cannot “make” him responsible; she cannot “make” him gentle, available, or vulnerable, for example. She can appreciate and encourage a man’s growth, but she cannot “make” a man grow.
A woman who knows her limitations can express the deepest levels of care
A woman can offer the following gifts:
Fellowship: A woman and a man can dream their futures, share and encourage each other’s growth and risks. They can envision, agree, and step into the future on the “ship” that takes them on life’s journey together. Mutual support, encouragement, and faith in each other and God grows strength in the bond of love.
Feed: A woman can be concerned about the “global” welfare of the man. She can be aware of and offer support and aid related to him. Her innate need for security, even, moves a woman to care about the man’s welfare. She does things that support his health, and she offers him feedback about his plans, ideas, and actions.
Touch: A woman can touch a man with her heart. She does so with her words, her eyes, her expressions of appreciation, and other forms of intimacy, including sex. (sex, however, cannot be the primary form of touch). She touches the man with her own gentleness, availability, and vulnerability.
A person, man or woman, who can be gentle, available, and vulnerable will be secure and appreciated. The couple is comingling all of their “character assets.”
The couple will fellowship with each other, feed each other, touch each other, stay on mission together, take care of business, and will not demand things from each other that they are not created to satisfy. In this way, they will form a circle of security and shared appreciation.
The fulfilled life is one of maximum service.
By growing and remaining open to maturing over a lifetime, we have the fulfilled life because each person receives and serves, serves and receives.
This couple will expand into serving a world in need of their gifts. They live on The River of Euphoria (Episode #18) together; they become Portable Sanctuaries (Episode #26) to each other and many others.
Dr. Chip Dodd
Voice of the Heart Center