64 - Understanding a Woman's Heart: Part 1
Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”
Everything we do flows from the heart, connects to the heart, and goes through the heart.
Everything we do is birthed in the heart. Therefore, to understand life and all of its undertakings, we need to grasp the way the heart works and communicate in relation to the heart.
God desires our hearts, as do each of the people we love and who love us.
All the scientific and philosophical, and all of the archaeological and psychological discoveries matter, as does reason itself. This “Living with Heart” podcast doesn’t discount any area of discovery or knowledge; however, the heart is the emphasis of this podcast.
Blaise Pascal said, “the heart has reasons that reason knows not.”
The central emphasis of this “Living with Heart” podcast is about the “reasoning” and understanding of the “wellspring of life.”
Men and Women are image bearers of God. Every man and woman has the same dignity and worth.
Every man and woman has the same need to belong and matter. Episodes #3 and Episode #4.
However, a man’s need to belong and matter possesses some unique qualities as to how the needs are met, as does the woman’s need to belong and matter. These unique qualities are most evident in the relationship between a woman and a man.
As we talk about the differences between a man and a woman, we emphasize the equality of worth, because for so many eons women have been categorized as “less than” a man.
A man’s need to belong and matter is met by a woman primarily through appreciation.
A woman’s need to belong and matter is met by a man primarily through security.
For a man to receive the fullness of a woman’s heart and the appreciation that follows, he must know that:
Her need of and experience of security is crucial.
Her security precedes her capacity to express genuine appreciation.
She needs to be secure in her heart before she can fully and vulnerably meet the need of appreciation in the man she loves.
Her security is inextricably connected to knowing that she is CHOSEN as his one and only; she needs to have faith that his heart is dedicated to:
her well-being, and he has a deep commitment to the full development of her heart
the protection of her unique qualities and character
she trusts that he will provide for her daily care
If a wife doesn’t experience the security she needs from her husband, her husband cannot experience being appreciated except through a “script.” She “figures” out the things to do or say so that he will be “happy.
By learning a “script” of what to say, she attempts to experience some form of homeostasis, or calm. This common experience is not genuine security; this experience is survival, not thriving.
We must remember in this process that it takes a lifetime to learn how to live; we all have to grow and develop the ability to love another person well.
A man needs to bring three things into a woman’s life for her to experience herself as chosen. These three things allow the couple to thrive, not just survive.
The expression of gentleness.
The capability of availability.
The capacity for vulnerability.
A woman enters a relationship with a man wanting to be chosen.
A woman also knows intuitively and instinctively what she wishes this relationship to look like.
Many women have had their hearts damaged through abuse and suppression; however, the desire to be chosen does not go away.
Gentleness means that a man is strong enough to be “leaned on.” He can relate to, grasp, and respond to his woman with care to her pains, problems, and needs. He has the capacity to understand the heart of another person because he himself knows pain and healing and a need for understanding. This man has other men and mentors in his life to help him trust his own need for being cared about. He does not see having needs as a weakness, but as a way to remain strong. This understanding of life and strength becomes gentleness.
A woman who trusts a man’s gentleness will give the gift of trust to him and see him as a “soft place to land.” This trust will be her expression of appreciation, meeting his need to belong and matter.
Availability means that a man is “response-able” to take ownership of his own feelings and respond in a way that is clear and supportive, not confusing, avoidant, or blaming. He has to be able and available to tolerate pain to be trusted by a woman. His tolerance for his own heart’s true experiences allows her to bring her own struggles, truths, pains, and problems to him—even ones that are about him.
A woman who knows that the man can tolerate his own feelings and is responsible with his own feelings, needs, desire, longings, and hope will have a heightened tendency to draw closer to the man with her own heart. She knows that he relates to the struggles of daily life.
Vulnerability means that a man is capable of risking emotional hurt. He will initiate care, initiate questions, tolerate the experience of delayed gratification, and initiate dealing with his own insecurities in a way that does not leave her “in charge” of his worth. He is secure enough to experience emotional hurt without being harmed. He is strong enough to tolerate hurt because all relationships involve dealing with emotional pain.
A woman who knows that a man is capable of vulnerability will experience him as stronger, wiser, and more courageous than he usually sees himself. She knows that he can relate to her struggles and mistakes, and will stand with her in the struggles.
When a man develops gentleness, availability, and vulnerability, the woman will almost always experience:
herself as safe
the environment of the home as stable
her hopes and dreams as supported
A man needs to be able to listen to the wisdom of a woman; but even more so, a man needs the fellowship of other men to learn about and develop the characteristics that can create safety, stability, and support for a woman.
A man who is emotionally fragile cannot love a woman well. A man must develop into a person who knows and lives with:
Passion: the willingness to be in pain for something that matters more than pain
Intimacy: the ability to let himself “into-me-see,” to be known from the heart, and able to pursue the heart of another
Integrity: the ability to be consistent and congruent with feelings, actions, and thoughts
Gentleness, Availability, and Vulnerability create a “redemptive-relational home where struggles are received, problems are solved (not controlled or avoided), and emotional security is built.
The man also continues to protect and provide for family “outside the walls” of the home.
A woman who belongs and matters through security will be highly prone to appreciate the heart of the man, meeting the need to belong and matter.
Dr. Chip Dodd
Voice of the Heart Center