Four Signs of “People-Pleasing”
Those who identify as a “people-pleaser” cannot stop putting others first in spite of negative consequences. Pleasing people is not negative and serves a vital need for each of us, because pleasing people is a prominent goal for the human brain. Looking at another’s face for affirmation and agreement is especially meaningful as we talk about our feelings or desire in life. Teams and marriages alike need affirmation and agreement to be productive. A person who has no regard for others (doesn’t seek to please people) can be a very dysfunctional person who will do harm by crossing another’s boundaries.
Watching faces is very important for human survival, enrichment, and well-being.
It is no wonder that the Hebrew people in ancient times continually called on God to see His face, let His face shine on them, or not to turn His faceaway from them - because our safety, as humans, is dependent on face to face connection. Seeing delight in the face of a person that matters to me can be the most impactful (and scariest) moments of life. We are made to seek out people who are pleased with us (meeting the needs of belonging and mattering) so they can affirm us and confirm our gifting. We are made for dependency on other humans we trust so we can have the courage to live our own life. The next statement may seem paradoxical, but it is not: we can only have the courage to live our own lives by recognizing we are not alone.
Set a 2 minute timer and remember a person who truly delights/ed in you. Zoom into their face knowing that they helped you become “YOU”.
So, the real issue we face in unhealthy “people-pleasing” is not that we care about others to the point of pain, but that we get stuck in obsession about another person to the point we cannot live our own life. Here are a few warning signs of people-pleasing:
1. We disconnect from self-worth
Do you believe that you have the inherent dignity to make decisions for yourself that will lead to your wellbeing?
Just in case you rushed by the question, please go back and ponder on your worth as a human. Our inheritance, as children of God, is our worth as a human. In other words, we have inherent worth that we are created with. There is nothing we can do to grow that worth or shrink that worth - it is a reality within us that doesn’t change throughout our lifetime. As we become connected to our self-worth we learn to make decisions representative of our great value as individuals. I am worth the time, worth the burden, and worth the energy to seek out life to the full, for me. And, it turns out, “life to the full” can only happen in connection to God, myself, other people, and my work of maximum service to those I love.
Negative people-pleasing is a painful way of living, but it can be an easier way because we don’t have to work to stay connected to our own self-worth…we work to “stay in line”.
2. We stay in line
We can, because of dysfunction in our childhoods, choose to separate from our self-worth so we can stay connected to another person or group of people. Instead of worth, we start chasing esteem from others, like a baseball player that is only as good as his last inning. Instead of finding the support to live our own life, we find comfort in meeting others' expectations for us. This lifestyle is grounded in the fear of abandonment becoming so strong within us that we do not speak of our own feelings, needs, desire, longings, and hopes unless we are certain it will fall within the parameters another has set for us. In other words, we won’t share our internal world until we are sure it won’t upset the other person.
In this way, we hide to stay in line. We are taught to stay in line in kindergarten, and we become better at staying in line than becoming human beings in need who can openly need and equally care about the needs of others. We hide our needs and don’t go for our dreams. We work to never be “caught” without the answers, in need of help, or making honest mistakes.
Anxiety keeps us “in line”…
3. We live in anxiety
Anxiety is not a badness, but a necessary bodily state that we enter when we are threatened physically, spiritually, or relationally. Anxiety is a very real emotion that has saved all of our lives through: fight, flight, freeze, or appeasement. When we are stuck in anxiety throughout the day it hijacks our imagination to send us images and scenarios of how we will be helpless in the future, again. Then, we will begin reacting to that helpless scenario as if it is really happening, although it isn’t really happening. We stay “prepared” for the worst instead of planning for success.
In people-pleasing, our anxiety becomes focused on another person not having feelings, thoughts, or moods that may “rock the boat” of our relationship. We will work to meet the expectations of another as we determine our own feelings and needs as “unimportant” or “non-urgent”. We begin to martyr ourselves which leads to increasing anxiety about the future of the relationship. We can do this to the point of not knowing who we are because we are obsessed with another person or group of people.
Although anxiety helps us put up with tremendous dysfunction in our relationships, we can be left with a vast inner world of resentments…
4. We are resentful
In obsession we learn to survive people instead of expressing our limits. Instead of identifying feelings and needs, I assume what the other person wants me to feel and do. I also have a catalog of memories telling me I am the only person who can rescue this person or fix this situation - so I have to react. We can become totally disconnected to our self-worth (this is called toxic shame) to the point where we stop considering ourselves at all. This is where resentment is a self-soothing remedy for us. Because we cannot be straightforward or forthcoming about our own self, resentment feeds us looping narratives about how we will get what we need through “getting the person back” or “getting even”. We may think, “Next time this happens I am going to give them a piece of my mind”, etc. We may or we may not. But we can imagine “getting even” with revenge.
Resentment is the territory where people-pleasers find relief from their misery without having to admit their hurt.
Negative “people-pleasing” is a very real force that can take so much from your life:
Dreaming capacity
Financial wealth
Serenity
Physical safety
Connection with your children
Pleasure in working
Sobriety
A common mistake in becoming healthier is the mistaken belief, “Well, I won’t need anyone anymore. This is my life and I will be happy.” Many of us have found that selfishness and self-centeredness do not lead us to fulfillment, either.
In April we are hosting a codependency workshop. Codependency is a clinical word that has helped many people find recovery of their relational life instead of people-pleasing. Please consider your own recovery from codependency by connecting with us.
Written by Dr. Colton Shannon
For more codependency help, check out these blogs!
Boundaries: Where Self-Respect Begins and Resentment Ends